As I sit and nurse my 1 year old and think about all that transpired this year, it truly astonishes me to really be in the energy of all that happened. There were deep, personal losses; physical, emotional, generational and spiritual that affected me on levels that there are not enough words to truly describe adequately. Yet, on the other end of the pendulum, there have been exceptional highs, new discoveries, and massive wins, both personal and professional, within my marriage and parenting, financial and business.
This year has been a year of learning to trust; trust myself, trust my gifts, my strengths and my talents. I’ve learned to ‘tune in’ to spirit. I’ve learned to say no to the energy that doesn’t serve me well. Learning these things has not been ‘smooth’ or ‘easy’ and they have all required some kind of bravery and have come with some intense lessons. These lessons come in small, daily opportunities within family dynamics and relationships, and in big lessons with a sudden change of events, big business decisions, or major health challenges that require boundaries and hard choices.
My 40th turn around the sun happened at the end of March this year and I feel as though I stepped through an energetic doorway that suddenly gave me a new super power. Like I sort of ‘leveled up’ in a way. This super power I gained came with just giving less fucks about things that don’t bring me joy. I’ve learned to physically purge my items more easily, recognizing that they are just “things” and honestly, most of the crap I own causes me mental health challenges and frustrations with the kids anyway. So I learned to say goodbye and made it a priority to let go of the shit… physically, mentally, and emotionally. Some of this letting go required setting certain people free, allowing them to drift away on the ocean of life. We just didn’t mesh, and that’s ok… I hold no ill will or animosity towards them, but I recognize that as I grow and expand myself spiritually, embrace my weirdo side, dive deeper into astrology and energy healing, I am going to lose certain people along the way. It’s ok. My lot in life is not to hang on to everyone. I’m here to help people make changes and move, and sometimes that looks like moving on from me. I embraced that part about me this year. I fully accepted the assignment I took on in this life and the karma I’m here to heal.
Acceptance doesn’t look like joy, lolly-pops and smiles all of the time though. Let’s be real. Acceptance is a practice, sometimes daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes by the minute. It takes diligent work to break old patterns, childhood programming, and heal deep self-esteem issues to fully accept the roll we are here to fulfill. That work and the accepting, while deeply satisfying and quite soul nourishing, doesn’t always look and feel fun, or even worth it sometimes. It can be downright exhausting to shed old layers of skin to be able to fit more comfortably in our new maturity.
Learning I would become a mother of 5 this year was a deeply humbling experience for me and took many months for me to come to terms with, learn to accept and now, fully embrace. It was an emotional rollercoaster to ride the waves of our fertility and parenting journey, from years and years of fertility challenges and struggles, heartache and longing, to sudden influx of children that I wasn’t prepared to actually mentally or physically deal with. Then the onslaught of physical health issues to overcome was exhausting and then the struggle to eventually have one more baby at age 39. Then to find out we had accidentally conceived a 5th time at age 40 when we were actively preventing. What a trip man. What a trip. The humbling learning experiences that came and are still coming with this pregnancy will take me years to fully understand.
Becoming a best-selling author on a collaborative book this year, and the creator of several astrology-based journals published on Amazon has been an absolute high-light of my year! I’m so proud of myself… yet there is another side to that coin as grief was happening during all of the gain, with the steady decline and eventual loss of my maternal grandmother. The lessons were coming in hot and fast – destruction and creation happening simultaneously. There was nothing for me to do but listen to spirit, ride the current, and stop trying to fight things, or force things.
So. many. lessons. It has been tough, but growth always is. It requires a steady amount of effort to burn, tear, and repair, especially if you are working out for muscle strength. In the end, you are usually glad you went through it and did the workout and feel good after. This is how my year has felt. I’m glad I worked on it, released expectations, learned to trust, learned to let go, learned to embrace my unique self and overall, learned to accept me.
I’m proud of myself and the new decade I have started. I’m proud of the work I’ve done and I am weirdly excited for the work yet to do. This was a big year of growth and I know that’s not even sort of done happening, but the growth will have to be at a new pace as I come into a new season of my life and learn to mother another little human, along with growing my connection with the first four! Learning to slow down, stay steady, and do what I can do are what is being asked of me, and while uncomfortable to do, I know I am capable. We all are. It takes focus and diligence to move forward in a healthier, more balanced way. These areas are where I’m putting most of my effort and energy this new year and I look forward to it.
Thanks.